A parenting/discipline reference list

[terriblelynne]

This is partially for my personal reference and also available just as an FYI.

http://www.nospank.net/purpose.htm

http://www.nospank.net/main.htm

http://www.neverhitachild.org/
(look at their excellent links/resources page)

http://www.vegsource.com/talk/parenting/no_spanking.htm

http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/domesticviolence/nospanking.htm

http://www.extension.umn.edu/info-u/families/BE714.html

http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/node/46

http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/what_tcs_is_and_what_it_is_not

http://www.vachss.com/help_text/corporal_punishment.html

http://www.nospank.net/faber.htm

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0943990742/104-2319290-3746308?v=glance&n=283155&v=glance

http://fabermazlish.com/newslett.htm

Comments

[chungjik.livejournal.com]

I'd like to think to this if it is ok... It looks like a valuable resourse on non-violent parenting techniques.

[terriblelynne.livejournal.com]

Please do. I want this passed on as widely as possible.

[chungjik.livejournal.com]

Will do.

[wyndhover.livejournal.com]

Awesome list! Thanks! :)

[terriblelynne.livejournal.com]

Anytime. :-)

[beckyms.livejournal.com]

Go to the child, face her/him, and tell her/him which behavior is not okay (hitting, spitting, refusing to pick up toys or get dressed, etc.) and that s/he needs a time-out. Speak to the child in a serious tone but do not yell, grab, or jerk the child. Move the child away from other children and adults. Tell the child that he needs to stay in the time-out for "x" number of minutes. (Keep it short, one recommendation is one minute per one year of the child’s age, example: if the child is 5 years old, the child would receive a 5 minute time-out.)

I'm not sure advise like this is always usable. Even if I was convinced that children should be controlled and forced to pick up their toys or get dressed, the whole thing assumes the child who previously wouldn't do what they were told would willingly "obey" the parent and go to time-out. Moving the child "might" work or it might result in a child fighting back. If it's a strong boy child, the mother could be injured or risks hurting the child to pull this off.

There is no mention of talking to the child about the behavior, problem solving, etc. I realize this example is within the context of helping a woman who herself is escaping abuse move toward NOT spanking her children, but it risks not actually having the "desired" effect and still conveys that some people ought to be "controlled".

[terriblelynne.livejournal.com]

*nod* I know not every link I posted has information or tools that will work in every single instance...that's why I posted so many of them.

What I've done (and I've worked with strong boy children with anger management issues who were likely to hit or strike adults) is remove myself from the situation for a few minutes, if possible...the issue of physical safety/toning down the violent response, to me supercedes the need to get the child to "obey" at that moment. The child is then not getting positive or negative attention, but none at all...you refuse to participate in the interaction.

Yes, I know there are circumstances where that wouldn't work either. My singular point here is, "there are options, and lots of them."

[chungjik.livejournal.com]

I know not every link I posted has information or tools that will work in every single instance...that's why I posted so many of them.

Exactly. Not violent parenting taking creativity. Each situation may call for a slightly different response. It takes time too...

The other piece that I have found is this: When parents try to switch parenting technques, it takes time to do so successfully. The child may act out in the meanwhile. The child may test the parents limits. The biggest thing is that parents MUST stay CONSISTENT. You can't give up the second the child tests your limits and say "See- I told you these techniques won't work!"

[beckyms.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean to pick on you about it. For the majority of children, the suggestions will probably "work".

[terriblelynne.livejournal.com]

It's totally okay. I know you've had some related issues and that some of the suggestions weren't things that would work for you.

I did go on to post another link for a resource to go to when lots of suggestions don't work in a separate entry.

There's nothing easy about it and I don't mean it to sound that way. It's just that it can be done, with help and support.

[nstormrider.livejournal.com]

Consistency is important in discipline. So is rationality, so is explaining what was done wrong to the child. But as someone who was spanked as a child, I don't see a problem with it, so long as the parents -do not do it when they're angry-. In fact, being an ADD boy and generally totally self-contained, I'm not sure timeouts would work well. Grounding certainly would not.

I also don't see how spanking breeds violence when gone at with the same philosophy of consistency, explanation, warning, and suchnot. Not only I, but many, many of my friends have been spanked, and almost all of us are non-violent, and have been in few fights. When we were in fights, generally we were attacked by totally undisciplined, uncontrolled kids. Most of the kids that I know who are specifically being raised non-violently are fairly frequently out of control. One of them, who is growing, LOVEs to assault me, kicking me and otherwise putting me in pain. I don't understand why spanking is so taboo. I do understand that extreme violence in spanking is bad.

Although, for victims of abuse, or people who might spank their child inconsistently or in anger, I don't believe that they should. Spanking, as any sort of punishment, needs to be meted out a certain way.

[nstormrider.livejournal.com]

I guess it mostly boils down to, I don't agree with the logic of 'spanking says it is OK to hit'. It's faulty logic. If parents are supposed to be an example of what is 'right and good' and therefore can't punish a child by spanking, what does it say of any sort of punishment? If you are punished by being put in a timeout, does that mean it's OK to force someone away from everyone? Does it lead to kidnapping?

If you are punished by a grounding or taking away a favored toy, does that mean it's OK to steal from your enemies or deprive them of their contact?

If there is no punishment, doesn't it mean it's OK to do anything? I think the core argument isn't about the type of punishment, it's about the rationale. Punishment must be punishment, not lashing out, and it must be just.

[brother-dour.livejournal.com]

Just curious: what would your reply be to someone who says, "I got spanked when I was a child and I don't think I was abused" ?

[terriblelynne.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't argue with them; I'm not one of those "SHE still thinks SHE had a happy childhood!" people. I know that some people were spanked once or twice, or gently as a matter of discipline. I just feel that we as a society have more and I will say better tools for communicating with children and teaching them discipline and if those are there, why on earth not use them?