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Primary and I had a hard night. We're both depressedjust manifesting and handling it in different ways. I'm glad we're talking, but not everything we say feels good to hear.
I don't want to leave her. I want things to work. I sometimes don't know how hard I'm willing to try, and I often don't know how hard she is willing to try.
I hate secrets and silence. I want to see you walk up to me with the needle so I know what the hell is going on; I'm not going to close my eyes thinking it won't hurt just because I don't look.
I'm not happy right now, and that's mainly internal. I need to work on myself in a lot of ways. I don't like being me very much right now, and I need to find things to like and like them, regardless of what other people think/feel/do. I don't know how to do that, and I need help.
I have a healthy libido and I like sex. I don't want to stop or change that. But I need to find more reason for being a happier, more confident, more psychologically healthy person than "I might stand a chance of getting laid then." And I need to stop feeling ugly. I don't really know how to do that either. I _do_ feel ugly, and even my LDR and the Boy, the two people who do respond to me physically, can't seem to penetrate that.
Tonight I had a poetry reading and I got dressed up in my new dress,a thrift store find that I thought was a beautiful colour and very flattering/forgiving on my figure. I had makeup in my purse that I was going to put on in the car. My primary, who I had been showering with compliments about how pretty she looked in _her_ outfit, comes out and looks at me. No reaction, none at all. And I deflate like someone sticking a pin an a ballon. That's all it takes. What's the point? I think I've made myself pretty, and she could care less. It hurts. And I feel the same way concerning the ex-boy. The Boy seems to think I look better in things I think make me look fat. My LDR seems to think I'd look hot if I were wearing a cardboard box. it's a nice change.
Since losing the ex-boy, I have felt relentlessly ugly, repulsive, even. Doesn't help knowing he's pursuing pretty much every other woman he can. I don't know what he is--or isn't--thinking, just that it's hurting me and I just don't have the time or energy for it anymore. I want a large and loving poly family where there are people who like and love and _want_ me, dammit. I'm not asexual and I never will be ,and I deserve healthy, happy relationships that include sex and desire and attraction. At least, I want to believe that I do.
I don't want to leave her. I want things to work. I sometimes don't know how hard I'm willing to try, and I often don't know how hard she is willing to try.
I hate secrets and silence. I want to see you walk up to me with the needle so I know what the hell is going on; I'm not going to close my eyes thinking it won't hurt just because I don't look.
I'm not happy right now, and that's mainly internal. I need to work on myself in a lot of ways. I don't like being me very much right now, and I need to find things to like and like them, regardless of what other people think/feel/do. I don't know how to do that, and I need help.
I have a healthy libido and I like sex. I don't want to stop or change that. But I need to find more reason for being a happier, more confident, more psychologically healthy person than "I might stand a chance of getting laid then." And I need to stop feeling ugly. I don't really know how to do that either. I _do_ feel ugly, and even my LDR and the Boy, the two people who do respond to me physically, can't seem to penetrate that.
Tonight I had a poetry reading and I got dressed up in my new dress,a thrift store find that I thought was a beautiful colour and very flattering/forgiving on my figure. I had makeup in my purse that I was going to put on in the car. My primary, who I had been showering with compliments about how pretty she looked in _her_ outfit, comes out and looks at me. No reaction, none at all. And I deflate like someone sticking a pin an a ballon. That's all it takes. What's the point? I think I've made myself pretty, and she could care less. It hurts. And I feel the same way concerning the ex-boy. The Boy seems to think I look better in things I think make me look fat. My LDR seems to think I'd look hot if I were wearing a cardboard box. it's a nice change.
Since losing the ex-boy, I have felt relentlessly ugly, repulsive, even. Doesn't help knowing he's pursuing pretty much every other woman he can. I don't know what he is--or isn't--thinking, just that it's hurting me and I just don't have the time or energy for it anymore. I want a large and loving poly family where there are people who like and love and _want_ me, dammit. I'm not asexual and I never will be ,and I deserve healthy, happy relationships that include sex and desire and attraction. At least, I want to believe that I do.
