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say baby do you wanna lay down with me?
Feb. 11th, 2003 07:08 pmOK, my "mood" is accurate, but not entirely. I mean, if you've been reading my journal, you know the "horny" is a given...I'm also thoughtful, contemplative, and a little sad.
I want to do some sort of positive visualisation sorta stuff. I want the sort of life I want, and I don't want to spend all my time bitching about what I don't want but am not actively changing. So I'm working on getting the bad stuff/negative relationships the hell out, and now comes the part about getting good ones in and that's harder. Here are the things about me that need to change, and probably the reasons I'm not drawing the people I want to me: I'm insecure. I'm really sexually needy right now. I'm very awkward in potentially romantic/sexual social situations, unless I'm around red-blooded American garden-variety straight guys, who I don't want.
I don't have very good self esteem. I don't feel attractive or desirable right now. I feel like I would feel better about myself if I had more positive reinforcement. I know that's not the way it's supposed to be. I don't know how to just make these things come out of myself. I've started therapy and I hope my therapist can help me to figure out how to change this stuff. I'm sick of being hurt, I'm sick of feeling crappy about myself and, yes, I'm sick of being horny and seeing no real end in sight for that. I don't think I'm a nympho. I have talked to other women who seem to have libidos as strong as or stronger than mine...and more luck doing something about it. My primary seems to think that the problem is that I want women, that it's abnormal for someone female to have a libido like mine and that only a man could keep up with me...I've gotten involved with two men this millenium; one who I'm utterly incompatible with and who hurt me very badly, and another who I have great physical chemistry with but a lot of big personal differences, and we fight a lot, and we don't see each other often. It needs work, but I think there's a future for me and The Boy, at least, I hope there is.
I wish I understood better how other women's minds/emotions/libidos work, how mine is "supposed" to work. Heck, at this point, I'd settle for knowing where the other women who aren't going to freak because I'm poly _are_. Or where the women are at all, really. I don't feel like I socialise very well with other women at all. A friend once told me that I view women as sexual objects first and people second, and that's my problem. But I see people trolling for sex on several online lists I'm on, and some of those people are women, and so I can't be the only one doing that. And I don't think I'm quite so crass about it either. I talk to people (while looking them in the eye, thank you!) and learn about them, find out if I like the sort of people they are, etc. I can make friends, and I used to be able to attract male lovers if I wanted to, which I don't very often (I call myself about a Kinsey 5). Since the experience with the male ex, I just feel utterly insecure all around.
My LDR thinks it's not me at all, she thinks I'm surrounded by shallow, narrowminded, cruel people. She thinks the only thing I'm doing wrong is staying here and taking it. The Boy is fairly sheltered and naive, and doesn't have the observational/interpersonal skills to have any real insight. My primary adores me and I her, and she wants to be a person with a libido and sex life, and I hope that she is that sort of person someday, just as much for her sake as for mine.
I'm planning on printing this out and taking it to therapy with me. I don't know where else to go from here.
I want to do some sort of positive visualisation sorta stuff. I want the sort of life I want, and I don't want to spend all my time bitching about what I don't want but am not actively changing. So I'm working on getting the bad stuff/negative relationships the hell out, and now comes the part about getting good ones in and that's harder. Here are the things about me that need to change, and probably the reasons I'm not drawing the people I want to me: I'm insecure. I'm really sexually needy right now. I'm very awkward in potentially romantic/sexual social situations, unless I'm around red-blooded American garden-variety straight guys, who I don't want.
I don't have very good self esteem. I don't feel attractive or desirable right now. I feel like I would feel better about myself if I had more positive reinforcement. I know that's not the way it's supposed to be. I don't know how to just make these things come out of myself. I've started therapy and I hope my therapist can help me to figure out how to change this stuff. I'm sick of being hurt, I'm sick of feeling crappy about myself and, yes, I'm sick of being horny and seeing no real end in sight for that. I don't think I'm a nympho. I have talked to other women who seem to have libidos as strong as or stronger than mine...and more luck doing something about it. My primary seems to think that the problem is that I want women, that it's abnormal for someone female to have a libido like mine and that only a man could keep up with me...I've gotten involved with two men this millenium; one who I'm utterly incompatible with and who hurt me very badly, and another who I have great physical chemistry with but a lot of big personal differences, and we fight a lot, and we don't see each other often. It needs work, but I think there's a future for me and The Boy, at least, I hope there is.
I wish I understood better how other women's minds/emotions/libidos work, how mine is "supposed" to work. Heck, at this point, I'd settle for knowing where the other women who aren't going to freak because I'm poly _are_. Or where the women are at all, really. I don't feel like I socialise very well with other women at all. A friend once told me that I view women as sexual objects first and people second, and that's my problem. But I see people trolling for sex on several online lists I'm on, and some of those people are women, and so I can't be the only one doing that. And I don't think I'm quite so crass about it either. I talk to people (while looking them in the eye, thank you!) and learn about them, find out if I like the sort of people they are, etc. I can make friends, and I used to be able to attract male lovers if I wanted to, which I don't very often (I call myself about a Kinsey 5). Since the experience with the male ex, I just feel utterly insecure all around.
My LDR thinks it's not me at all, she thinks I'm surrounded by shallow, narrowminded, cruel people. She thinks the only thing I'm doing wrong is staying here and taking it. The Boy is fairly sheltered and naive, and doesn't have the observational/interpersonal skills to have any real insight. My primary adores me and I her, and she wants to be a person with a libido and sex life, and I hope that she is that sort of person someday, just as much for her sake as for mine.
I'm planning on printing this out and taking it to therapy with me. I don't know where else to go from here.
